The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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