I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
