Porn is love you can see.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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