meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
