My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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