I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
