Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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