I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
