Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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