a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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