Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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