Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
