i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
