her vagine was all disorganized.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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