I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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