who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
