Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
