Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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