WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
