Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
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Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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