I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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