If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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