Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
