Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
