congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
