Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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