I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
