How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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