when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
