so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
