that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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