my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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