Already got asked if we're dating
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
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I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
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Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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