The beer is more important than you right now.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
