i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
