he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Found your dick twin last night
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
