just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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