Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
