fuck your aforementioned shoe
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
