Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
