I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
