Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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