I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
