i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
