i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
