When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
