I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
