this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
