Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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