I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
