We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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