totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
