I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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