He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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